chrys·a·lis

Every time I start a project I metaphorically bleed out onto the page. It’s not something I actively pursue but more like a metamorphosis in which I am continually opening a vein and providing life force into a burgeoning creation. For the duration of creation time I’m tucked away in my cocoon of an apartment cut off from the world slowly disintegrating into creative goo deconstructing and reconstructing not only myself, and process, but the images themselves.

If I push myself too much and my hands cramp and ache. Simple designs become hours leading into days, wrists split, radial and ulnar arteries pumping into paper, pens, scanners, and screens. Each time it is similar and every time I am grateful for the process. Simple line sketches enter their ugly phases with blocks of color and uneven light or textures and blurred images finding their passageway into a a particular style. It takes hours, even days of a process that might resemble some type of alchemy. Sometimes I create gold and other times sulfur. I fall in love with details and then destroy them. I add and take away. Meanwhile my body begs me to hydrate.

I occasionally question if every artist goes through this process. I often forget until after the project that I have been repeating the same process for 23 years. I’ve lost friends over projects, disappeared for months at a time and emerged with books, visuals for stage, albums etc. I am not always kind to myself during these undertakings and have to remind myself that balance is the key. We know from studies that the process a caterpillar goes through is painful. Scientists at a lab at UCLA used high-tech tactile microscopes to read the vibrations inside the chrysalis. The sounds were converted to audio. They were noted to give the impression of being like that of a tormented cry. “The Secret Life of Butterflies,” Studio 360, NPR, KIOS 91.5, Omaha, Nebraska, Dec. 8, 2007). But what emerges is always beautiful. It is always worth the process. I love what I do and I stand by that statement.

As designers our jobs are wrought with elation and frustration. It’s a back and forth dance that continuously has you in a vacillating relationship with not only yourself but your art until completion. I can’t express what it feels like to have a breakthrough in a piece you’ve been molding, breaking apart, crying over, starting over, and re-forming, finally finding its shape and essence. I also can’t tell you how incredible it feels when a piece comes together smoothly from sketch to finish. I created this piece in 2019 as an aesthetic version of what my relationship to my art and career felt like. I didn’t add in the imposter syndrome.

There is really no reason for me to have imposter syndrome and my logical brain knows it’s nonsense but it has always run deep within me. Mine seems to fall into the perfectionist and super person categories. The perfectionist in me thinks that unless everything is absolutely perfect, I have failed as a human. My perfectionism keeps me in an almost constant loop of creating so that one of the things I have made will be the right one. Generally this can be time consuming but I don’t fully dislike this aspect. It often pushes me to create better work. For that I appreciate it as I will always be evolving in my art. However the hardest part of imposter syndrome is the anxiety. It is the crippling fear that you didn’t do enough, be the hardest worker, that you missed something, that you can’t answer a question, solve a problem, make an informed guess etc. It’s the fear of not doing a good job or the right job. It’s the fear of being hated because you made a mistake. It’s the fear of accidentally recreating something that already exists. Often it’s irrational, creating narratives that don’t exist. The internet and social media can add to these narratives s I try to stay off it during these times.

Often I’ll take a photo to recalibrate. An idea forms while in the midst of the bleed out phase and I can gauge where I am at and reformat not only my mind but switch art styles when needed. I started this process around 2008 although I had played with it on and off since my teens. Recently I decided to take my photography to a different level focusing on better cameras, editing techniques and light. While I had all the cameras and lighting equipment I was short on time. The only way to fully develop that was to make time. However, the editing process for me is like a meditation. It balances, it restores, it allows me to reconnect with self the same way a walk on the beach or deep breathing may do. I came across this picture I took in Morocco of my friend Andrea who recently passed away. It made me remember what I loved about photography, capturing a moment or capturing the essence of a person. This remains one of my favorite images I’ve taken.

After all this I decided to do some research on productivity.

Author Tony Schwartz founder of The Energy Project suggests we focus on the 4 main pillars of human energy needed to avoid burnout.

1. Physical - Focusing on nutrition, sleep, fitness, and intermittent breaks throughout the day.

2. Emotional - Developing and nurturing the emotions that coincide with higher performances. The idea that emotions can influence performance.

3. Mental - Switching between calculated, detailed thinking and the bigger picture. Utilizing focus to create results.

4. Spiritual - Purpose and serving something other than the self.

He also categorizes work performance into different levels.

1. The Performance Zone - This is where we produce our best work. The four categories above are being met and energy is at its peak.

2. Renewal Zone - Restorative yet positive energy, conducive to daydreaming and restoring focus on bigger picture goals.

3. Survival Zone - High energy but negative, impatient, critical, and stressed. We can no longer focus on the bigger picture because we are caught in a cycle of productivity but moving towards burnout.

4. Burnout Zone - Low and negative energy fed by depression and exhaustion with very little productivity.

While I haven’t looked into too many of Tony’s methods I do feel that this simple breakdown of how we work and what we need for balance is true and effective.

In a  2008 University of Illinois study found that attention spans and memory drop after long periods of focusing without breaks. performance declined in those without breaks but brief interludes increased the focus of those observed.

Upon further research I discovered scientists at the RIKEN Brain Science Institute (BSI) had uncovered tools to help the brain focus by routing relevant information to non cognitive domains of the brain. This allowed them to gain insight on how the brain is disrupted by distractions. Justin Gardner and his research team found the brain uses a two step process.

1. Sensitivity enhancement - Look at the project as a whole and assess what needs attention. Focus on what needs the most attention.  

2.  Efficient selection - Zoom into the task at hand. As you do this it helps you enter into the Performance Zone.

In any profession there needs to be a system set in place that allows us to finish our work without total burnout. I’ve been creating a schedule that allows me to have my necessities for balance and even doing a bit of research into the Ultradian rhythm of 90-120 minutes based on experiments of brain activity while sleeping. First brought to our attention by Nathan Kleitman his research was called “Basic Rest-Activity Cycle” in which he focused on the 90-minute cycles during which you advance through the five stages of sleep.  He also took notice that the brain mimics this during the day as well with higher and lower attention spans throughout the day.

It’s very easy to get sucked into the feeling that you can’t stop until you’re finished. Allowing myself breaks in between, even if it’s just to prep food take a walk or take some monotropa uniflora tincture completely reformulated the way I work creating a more efficient and less taxing way to meet a deadline even if I’m continuously pumping life force into it.